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"Let the NEVERs and MAYBEs, die tonight" [entries|friends|calendar]
Angela

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Happy fuckin new year. [
January 1st 2006 @ 8:50pm
]
[ mood | pensive ]

So I worry. So I tend to make them number one. I seem to cripple myself. I talk and only expect the best. I expect so much only to settle for the second best thing. I choke on my own hopes. I melt. I fall. Drive me down to hate. Drive me down to lose faith. Drive me to give up. I'm a global travesty. I always want to be somewhere else. I always want to be something else. I always want to be seen differently. I want to let go. I don't want to turn around anymore. I don't want to jump on your path anymore. I don't want a lot of things that I have. I want something different. Dammit. Choke on it, I will.

My new year's resolution:
- work as much as possible
- remove her from every equation
- learn to not care
- learn to be cold
- focus on school
- focus on my project
- love and appreciate my parents more
- lose the jealousy
- lose the mind
- lose the emotion
- live for the best
- forget the worst
- laugh more
- change
- learn to deal
- only the best
- forget
- cry less
- stop talking my heart out
- ignore
- forget
- ignore
- forget
- forget
- drink more

this livejournal is closed. happy new year's everyone.

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Love [
November 13th 2005 @ 1:34pm
]

Love was never supposed to be easy. That's what seperates it from fucking around. Or flirting or stupid little random fun.

Love is all about compromise and willing to go against bullshit because the relationship and the other person is worth. And when it isn't, it isn't love. There isn't love. And with all that I am, I would be willing to, if I knew I will meet you half the way. If I knew there was something worth I was working my ass for.

So the ride has stopped being fun and it's work and thinking things twice. And you know what? As much as you selfishly rip my heart out, I couldn't find a better person to get stuck in the middle with. But it just wouldn't be worth it if I ended up jumping and killing my self for the sake of my sanity out of the hill. Yeah I know that's how you feel. Cause that's how I feel. Unlike you, I have empathy. I don't need to see you the whole day, as long as you come home to me. I don't need you to come home to me, if I've seen you all day. But no. Not for you. You'll see me when it's good for you. And if that's the case, I don't see a reason to tie myself to a chariot that will never move.

Tonight I had fun. I had fun and forgot about you. Not completely, because that's the only thing that kept me from being a total asshole. I almost asked a girl out to come home with me. I almost chased another girl to another bar. I almost made out with some girl in some dark room. I almost had a threesome with some people in my apartment. I almost at least slept with someone other than you. And that big whole thin minus the almost isn't a very big thing but it draws the line where I shouldn't.

I think about you constantly and you're in every part of my plan. And it hurts when I'm not. It's not fair. It's not fair. It's not fair. You rape me of my time. You take away what I ask for to keep me drunk off life. You drive my morals and sanity to a test.

You want me. Regardless if you didn't ask me out on my birthday. I wanted you three years ago. I wanted you this summer. I want you now. Nothing's changed. These little fights when I would charge when I should sit. And where you run when you should sit, becomes an escalated emotional suicide. Maybe I shouldn't second guess everything. Maybe I shouldn't think you're saying something mean when I just misheard you. Maybe I should think more highly of myself. But also maybe you need to be reminded the whole world doesn't mean shit to me when I don't have anyone to share it with. Maybe you need to rememeber what it was like for two weeks when I missed you so much and all I wanted was to buy a ticket to go home early. Maybe you should be reminded how desperate we fought for trying to get a trip to go back to Buffalo instead of spending a night in NYC-- another night away from you. Because I remember that every night when I'm not with you. It's like, why did we want that so bad when right now you don't even want me? And you know what, I know that when we break up, it will be that feeling haunting me forever. And do I really want to add you with the rest of the things that I try to bottle up and cry at? I don't think so, cause I will always remember how you made it go away and how you made me feel better.

So yeah, it's not the summer. It's not the easiest to deal with these days. But don't ignore all the things we came through. I got over Rosie working with you at the YCenter. I got over with John wanting to have sex with you everytime he hangs out with you. I got over that Kay2x will never be my baby but yours and Rosie. We got over the accident. We got through court. My mom adores you. For the first time, I can actually see my future minus the bridge on how to get there. But I know what I want in the long run. Don't you think about that?

Or am I still the unchanged  sensitive asshole?

I said this before: you got your heart broken. I'm sorry. I wish you had my heart first. I wish I had your heart first. I'm sure there are a whole bunch of married people who wish the person they're spending their lives with were the person they first fell in love with. I'm sure a whole bunch of remarried people wish that they were married to only one person and the person that they loved right. You don't need to give up on us.

You don't need to give up on love in general.

Stop digging yourself a hole. Get out. Face reality. Stop turning your back on it. Running away from it. Hiding under the covers wishing it would go away.
Get the fuck out. Work for the best. Hope for the best.

I'm exhausted.

I love you. But I can't keep putting my heart out for someone who's:
1. Unsure about the concept of love.
2. Who runs away about the smallest cracks.
3. Who self prophecizes their relationships. They believe in bullsit happening that they manifest it to the point that it is crap.
4. That doesn't give me what I need.
5. That refuses to talk to me when they can't handle it.
6. Who doesn't understand where I'm coming from while I sit and I do and I'm trying to come up with a solution that isn't the best for me nor for you, but as a compromise.
7. Who doesn't chase me when I need to be pulled back to understand.
8. Who just believes there's no way out but to run away and hope for it to go away.

You twist my gut just about enough
You've raped my sanity to the point I have none to keep
You lack the capacity to love more than one person- yourself
You are watching me slip away from you.

If it hasn't been that clear enough,
I need you,
I need you to wake up to without kickin my head open
I need you to bed with where I don't have to drive myself to work and party hard
I need you to run after me and and hold me down
I need you to want me
I need a love I can fight for,
And I need a love that would fight for me.

"One shouldn't be too hard on oneself when the object of one's affection returns the favor with rather less enthusiasm than one might have hoped. "

Call me when you're ready. I don't see why a perfectly good happy drive needs to be thrown away just because you refuse to feel my pain. I don't see why a perfectly good dream is tossed out just because you refuse to face reality.

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Interesting... [
November 9th 2005 @ 9:38am
]
The people that touch your life.. you'll never know. You'll never know who's true or not-so-worth it.. and sometimes you think you've got it, but you don't. Something else pops out and surprises you. You think you've got someone who loves you.. then things change. You think someone's a total asshole, but they become your savior.

Funny thing life can be.

And it just made me more grateful when someone IMd me this:

"

hey....ummm....I know you're away and all.....and I dunno if you'll get this anyway...but I just wanted to let you know that I'm sorry for the way I've been acting the past couple weeks. It wasn't fair to you, and I was incredibly stubborn, selfish, harsh, and mean. You know that my intention was never, or is never, to drive you out or drive you away....I just had (and still do have to some extent) a lot of "stuff"...and I didn't know how to handle it all....my actions were a knee-jerk reflex; however, they can't be defended. I hope you can just chalk this all up to youthful stress and the agony of "growing up" - ok...I'll admitt that sounds soooooo totally lame....lol. I miss you, and I love you, and hopefully we can talk more later.....:-*

"

and that was that. Mind you, this person have always found it hard to admit crap. And mind you, I'm not exactly the easiest person to be settling disputes with. I mean once you've sparked it with me, you know for damn well I'll just keep adding gasoline to make a bigger fire.

And it feels really nice. Nice to have to feel that hey, maybe you can fall and trip once in a while and someone's going to catch you. Yeah. ::smile:: Yeah. That just made my night.. day.. whatever.
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Surprise surprise.. [
November 1st 2005 @ 11:20am
]

Marina
Which L Word Character are you?

brought to you by Quizilla

 

oddness.

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FUckin credits [
November 1st 2005 @ 10:22am
]

Ok I'm supposed to be doing work but I'm eh lacking the will to. This day's pretty interesting. Set the alarm for 7 and didn't wake up til 11 or something. Woke up and Leah and I missed our classes and surprisingly enough we just layed there and made out and it was the most amazing thing. I mean yeah four months- pretty short. But pretty long especially when we spend time with each other like we do. And yeah there was an accident in bed that kind of left me limping for the most of the day. It's amusing now but it was pretty freakin scary when it was all happening. I won't mention it because it's not as awful as it is, it was just a big deal at the time.

But eh, we ended up hungry. As always after playing in bed. And decided to headout to eat somewhere and Aaron's been pretty weird these days. He actually wakes up before 6pm. That's incredible for me. And so we decided to go to Applebees and then go to Best Buy. I got on the wheelchair because it was too painful to walk. And I had fun using a wheelchair for the first time. Hehehehe. We bought Leah's camera.. after convincing her she needed it and bribed her by saying I'll go ahead and pay for the warranty. So cool, whatever. She went and tricked or treated with her lil bro and sis, Matthew and Jenna. I had class and my teacher's a dork, I feel bad but he pisses me off when all he would do is talk and talk with the same points. And it's like.. dude, I get it, yeah socialism doesn't work, yes, Stalin and all them dudes were evil and you have to be evil and ruthless to get to the top. Nobody likes a pussy. Yes. Yes. God, let it go.

I stopped by the WRUB office to get some papers and Dan was working and it's weird he was always nice to me and stuff before he found out I was gay. Now, he's just kinda distant and hardly says hi. Oddness. I got home at like 9:30pm and played Fable-- this addictive RPG game in Aaron's xbox. Until.. like.. 11pm. When Aaron decided to be addicted to it to. So yeah, it's 2 am and we're waiting for the credits to end (he beat the game this summer except for killing the big boss that I gave the cheatcode for him to). The first time he beat it, he skipped the credits and took him back to stage 1 of beatin the boss. The second time we sat there looking at the credits for hours and he decided to save it after I made a comment that I didn't wanna see that fucking roll of credits again. And FUCKIN AY IT TOOK AS BACK TO STAGE 1. So yeah, I decided to check up on Leah happily cuddling up to Todd (the Pet Shop toy I got her which she incredibly loves.. its weird) and Aaron's outside lifting weights. He's giving me the downlow on where the credits are.

Aaron: it's down to lionhead babies!!

Aaron's awesome. Yeah he's a pothead. But he's not selfish. He would always offer if I want to smoke up. I haven't except this one time I was bored n my mom decided to call. But he gets along with Leah on that realm. And just the other night at like 3 in the morning Leah and I decided to go to McDs for a bit and Matt (the guy who used to live in my room) was there. I miss Matt. He was an awesome guy. I wish I was living with the both of them.

I remembered when Matt used to harass my stupid ass roommate when I was gone for the weekend and scare her. ::aigh:: And Aaron's a gentleman. He always takes off when he would know Leah and I would have sex. Half the time he just turns his music up, the other half he goes and takes his keys to go see his friends. Then comes back like the next morning or four hours later.

I love my crazy Fable addicted roommate.

Comment Memories Edit

Shan's bday [
October 29th 2005 @ 8:34pm
]
[ mood | aggravated ]

So it was Shan's bday on Tuesday.. got her a puzzle and everything. and decided to go out bar hopping yesterday. I feel like shit cause i'm 19 and this is Buffalo. This isn't like Kuwait where I know everyone. I didn't grow up here. Nor am I a big fan of kissing ass to get in places. I always had people come up to me and go like.. yeah i know you.. you go to KES and dating so and so.. not that that would hardly mean they actually do know me.. but that's what it was like. Of course Leah's more than excited to go off and leave me while I always think of her first whenever someone asks me to go out. So I'm a lil peeved. After some temper tantrum and feelin like shit and her feeling upset thus, me feeling like shit some more.. even though I knew that I'd feel like an ass, went. Went to Fugazzi's, she was drunk after one martini, I held my drink fine. But my new Stilettos SUCKED. It was made by someone who hated girls and feet. Yeah. Fucking mutilation women go through. Because.. you know.. it's weird when you go to a presentation or a meeting wearing sneakers.. not that it symbolizes anything but casualness or comfortability.

NO. Some Tom Ford wanna-be designed evil shoes and called them in some Italian name and said it was a fashion craze. And now you can't really buy anything except fucking heels. Damn you men. All of you. ::breathes::

A good time though. Well minus my irkedness when Jacki was stripping my girlfriend. And Leah stood there sad. Well, hun, if you know I'm gonna get irked out then why the fuck do you do it and then feel bad. Do it and don't give a shit about me. I mean, if you're gonna annoy me.. do it right and piss me off. ::shrug:: Not to mention that's my girlfriend's body. I know Jacki's er best friend.. and Jacki made a comment "share!" and I'm like.. hell no. Leah's my girl. I mean, what do you want me to do, call you up when we're having sex and have you join? But I decided I was an asshole too much to begin with to hurt her more. Plus she was extremely drunk that I drove home. We stopped by a porn store for randomness. She made comments about wanting so bad to have sex, even though we had an awesome one before we left :). But I knew she was too damn tired and she looked so cute being drunk and sleepy and talking about sex and feeling me up while I was driving. We got home and brushed our teeths and went to bed. Not that we slept. We stayed up an hour or so more singing. ::laugh:: Yeah. Randomness. We did Frank Sinatra, that Can't take my eyes off you song, I think Beverly Hills.. and the Platters, Diana.. and other random oldies. Then we just fell asleep. The alarm went off around.. 8 am. We just kept hitting the snooze button til it was 10 am. Greatness.

She's out at work and here I am having to deal with my best friend being pissed off with my girlfriend. Just about two days ago, he came in, erased his name from the LGBTA message board and walked out. Reasons: he said something like.. "I know my place and I'll put myself there". And I don't know if it's losing the election. Or it's Leah. But he's been so irky about it. I'm sorry I didn't see him as someone who would be more capable than Shan. I'm not in it for popularity reasons. And I don't want the president to be elected solely on the fact my best friend should have the title. I don't want the club to run aground. Right now we need someone who can kind of pick it up after the last fallout of all the Fall 05 Eboard members disappearing.

And let's face it. Geoff is good with insults. Well. Sort of. But as his friend, I'll appreciate it or laugh at it. For someone who doesn't know him.. they get pretty fucking annoyed. And I see where they'd come from. Because he can be so narrowminded and he never wants to hear another side of things. How many of my friends get along with each other.. while he's the odd one out. He would insult people. Sit there and have people ask him what's wrong. Obviously show he's upset or not well. But he'll say there's nothing wrong. He'll insult my other friends. Or their hairstyle. Or their lifestyle. Hell, as my best friend he never had NOT insulted any of my gfs at the time. Not a single one he went ahead and respected. Respected because theyre people too. And respected cause they're making me happy. Oh no. He rejoices when there's trouble between me and the person I'm dating. I try. Maybe not hard enough. Or maybe too harsh. But for a person who won't see it in any other way, I've tried easing it onto him only to be shotdown with some belligerent insulting comment that makes me want to shoot him with a tranquilizer. And I've tried slamming things in his face. Neither works. He needs to figure this out himself.

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If i was single [
October 28th 2005 @ 7:28am
]
[ mood | pissed off ]

Let me be an asshole for a moment. Well, a livejournal moment.

If I was on a sinking ship. I'm heading for the lifeboat first. I don't need anything behind my back.

Forget your jewelry or any of your possessions. Sooner or later someone's going to steal it away anyway. And even if you do manage to take it with you. Your soul wouldn't die of loneliness. It would die with envy that as your body rots and maggots manifests it like Marcy's White Party, the so called gems and jewels sit there smiling at you. Mocking you that they're still as good as ever and you're full of- literally- crap.

Forget your friends. Who the hell will remember all the fun times besides you anyway? Who ever remembered anything when you felt like shit and everyone left you behind because there's a deal on the next block for two beers for a dollar? Who seriously listened to you without them being secretly envious of what you have or rolling their eyes that it's the same old shit again? Who ever laughed first when you fell down the stairs while holding your food tray. God knows the dean at Baldy Hall didn't see it first.

Forget your lovers. They're only useful to help your self bash your head open against a cement wall. Who the fuck needs a raise on their high blood pressure. Who the hell needs to feel guilty about wondering when the hell are they ever gonna make you feel relaxed? When do you ever have to not feel weird if you don't pull your wallet first? Or if there was too much or too little sex involved. Or how to tell them you don't like something without hurting their feelings.

And parents? Shit. Isn't that why concience's around? To nag you every time you fuck up. And your ego to pat you on the back when you actually do something right.

Sex? The porn industry's definetely taking care of that. You can microwave melons. Your can rest your crotch on a lawnmover.

Love? What for.

Whichever. You can try. And try. And bleed. And try. And try your so very hardest. But you'll never be wanted and grabbed onto and they'll always eventually let you go, let alone push you away or kick you out. And I mean that with having someone actually want you. Know you. Know you inside out.

Please, just show me one thing in this world that is what you think.

I'm probably being a total asshole right now. And you probably all think I'm just not getting it. And I have it all misunderstood. Or I'm just an asshole and probably don't deserve what I have. My call, I'm afraid. 

I'm afraid there's no way you can get the past right. You can surely pretend You can delude yourself but you can't re-create what's over. Because I'm a self-righteous idiot. Because I can't save anybody as a friend, as a girlfriend, not as a daughter. I've let my friend to rot in depression. My girlfriend and her ex-drama baggage that I can't get over and her I'm-a-piece-of-shit mode that I can't seem to shake her out of. My mom and my selfishness. Yeah. Because I can't fucking save anything. Not even myself. Because my gut hurts and I'm dying anyway. Because everyone's busy planning their getaway. Because after you've crossed some lines, you just keep crossing the rest. And there's no escape from constant escape. Distracting ourselves.  Avoiding confrontation. Getting past the moment. With sex. With television. With sleep. With denial.

Denial's a beautiful thing though. It's a perfect drug for the sick diagnosed disease called reality. I like to use it because I don't want to remember everything I've tried so hard to do and didn't get. I don't want to believe it's the end. So I deny. And everytime I back up from actually facing reality I realize I'm getting trapped in a corner. And there's no way out but to face it. Reality. Head on. With guns blazing.

And you'll come to find a more terrifying thing. That reality's not some fucking river in Arizona. It's a whole fucking ocean. And how do I keep myself from drowning?

I keep swimming. Not really know where. But at least I have control of it now.

I can spend my life letting the world tell me who I am. Sane or insane. Selfish or altrustic. Saints or sec addicts. Heros or victims. Letting history say how good or bad I was. Letting my past take the wheel and drive? Or fuck I can take it myself. Because even after all that rushing around. I'll end up no where in the middle of the night. And to me, knowing isn't the point. It's where I'll be floating unconciously in the ruins of it all knowing I can still go on is what I'm believing in.

Wash it with blood I say.
Don't wash it with cold hard grief.
It's pointless.
It's like fucking your self with a book when trying to learn neuro-science.
Let me drown in my own greed and selfishness.
I'm an adult.
I'm ready for the cold shoulders that'll snub me.
Or the sharp harsh words that will stab me.
I'm ready to be an asshole too.

Let me push your buttons.
Let me hear you scream at me.
Yell at me.
And cry.
Let me be your muse of hate and get it out of your fucking system already.

Because holding you and babying won't make you realize you're better.
Better than me at least.
Give you an excuse to stand up to your belief
and beat the shit out of me with it.

Go on. Under and behind and inside everything I took for granted, something horrible has been growing. Nothing is static. Everything is falling apart.

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Shrug goes the weasel. [
October 23rd 2005 @ 9:03pm
]
[ mood | satisfied ]

You ever look at someone everyday and you say how cute and pretty they are.. then you fall asleep with them and while you're doing that you're just watching them. And as hyper, crazy, scared, angry or whatever extreme emotion you might be feeling ... while you're watching them fall asleep, your armor slowly comes apart on its own. And it's like.. you're just mesmirized by them and the next thing you know you open your eyes and you've got your favorite gift infront of you. And you smile. And you can't wait for your day to start.

Beautiful.

Plain out straight mind blowing beautiful.

And you see them everyday. You spend every waking moment with them and four months down it, you still get butterflies. And they still make you melt when they're kissing you, turning you on. And it never seems to die down. The crush, the infatuation, the love, the lust, the craving. It hasn't stopped when you think you would've calmed down by now.

You're my precious love. And I know I can be such a tempestious bitch. And I consume anger more than I can handle for my size. And jealousy is my first sin. And denial of regrets. And while you sat on top of me I chose to cry my eyes out and taste the dusts on the floor of your attic. Because if I turned around and let the alcohol and anger inside me take over, I would have spat on your face like you dared me to. And I couldn't bring myself to do that. Because I would just follow it with things I never would have meant to say and regret it the morning after.

So I ran. Or walked. I can't remember. With Shan chasing me telling me to turn back. I was on my shorts and tanktop walking at a badly lit street at 5 am in the morning. No shoes. But I had to pull myself away from you before I let a destructive side of me take over.

I still regret it. I regret the splinters and broken glasses inside my skin right now. But I deserved it. And at least it didn't get any further. And I remember listening to Shan and turning around. At the same time you were running my way and you collided with me. No, not collide. You hugged me. With such an impact and strength. I don't think it was your speed that knocked me to my senses. I think it was how much I wanted to say sorry.

And I looked at you the other day. And I can't forget how I felt the first time I saw you. And I'd look back at you and I still can't believe I sleep with you every night. And even though the most clueless person has told you how I'm so in love with you. Do you know? Do you really know?

And on our fourth month. I also realized not only how much you put up with me. But Leah Nicole, you are one definite person. I'm not dating a girl. I'm dating a woman. It feels odd, because I've never dated a woman before. And now I know what the hype is all about.

I love you. You are incredible.

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Be busy, be very busy [
October 10th 2005 @ 8:59pm
]

So yay. Being busy sucks. I regret my two weeks of freedom from GEO103, cause now I have an exam and I dont have much time to study. Nor do I have the willingness to. I was supposed to study with Omar but I'm not too hot on the idea. I just want to get this stuff done then I can go off and ask him the questions I need. Blah. Whatever.

Mmm. Stuff with the office is finally picking up. Matt and Lacey are kind of having communication issues. I can't really do much about it. They're adults. They'll work it out for the better for the LGBTA. Hopefully. Today was funny though.. well.. looking at it now. Leah and I kept kicking the snooze button promising ourselves 5 more minutes. Then we both missed our first class. Then headed off to get to my class so I can turn in my HW.. which isn't due til next week. And m driving class is on Wednesday...... GREAT! ::shakes head:: Eh, it passes me. But I worry about my spitfire. She's so stressed it's not even funny.

The only thing I'm lookin forward to is... her brother and sister are hanging out on wednesday with us.. and and and.. theyre sleeping over. Yay.

 

Ok well.. I thot I should vent happily.

Comment Memories Edit

Gone. [
October 8th 2005 @ 9:41pm
]
[ mood | lonely ]

And its gone... gone... going...
Gone... everything gone... give a damn...
Gone be the birds when they don't want to sing...
Gone people... up awkward with their things... gone.

You see yourself in the mirror
And you feel safe cause it looks familiar
But you afraid to open up your soul
Cause you don't really know, don't really know
Who is, the person that's deep within
Cause you are content with just being the name brown man
And you fail to see that its trivial
Insignificant, you addicted to material
I've seen your kind before
Your the type that thinks souls is sold in a store
Packaged up with inscent sticks
With them vegetarian meals
To you that's righteous
You're fiction like books
You need to go out to life and look
Cause... what happens when they take your material
You already sold your soul and its...


gone.

Comment Memories Edit

... yeah. [
September 11th 2005 @ 5:13pm
]
[ mood | contemplative ]

The things that tear us apart. Tear us apart from the inside out. They're these small tiny things that we never bother with until like a monstrous cancer has built up and it's too late to back down. The things we try so very hard to accomplish. They keep us going. They're so high up you concentrate so very much to make sure everything you have done was worth it. And with the right luck and enough effort, you will. But with everything is said and done. With everything nicely painted out. And you're on top. You look down at the path you came from. And you wonder, what the fuck were you really fighting for.

But you forgot.

And it's not your fault. It's easy to forget. It's easy to get lost. You might just have wanted to be rich and get a nice steady life. Something secure. Then it becomes this quest to make sure you eliminate all sorts of hindering. And its not questionable for someone to do this by lying, cheating, fucking, killing, kicking, screaming, running, sinking, or simply .. dying.

And you lay and your bed after all that's been done. And you wonder .. what the fuck did you just fight for? Was it worth losing everything you stood for? Every fundamentals and principles you constructed your life to be. Gone. You're a different person. With the same dream. Except you took a different way.

Besides, it doesn't matter. It's a race to the top anyway. I'm sure we're all nice people. We want the best for everyone. But sometimes, in this carnival of musical chairs, there's not enough seat for everyone. And we need to make sure we have a spot when we get that cake and we all know we want to eat the damn thing you've worked for so hard. So you delude yourself. You hurt people. You hurt yourself. You lie to people. You lie to yourself. You didn't mean to hurt anyone. You didn't mean to hurt yourself.

But you forgot.

Simply.. forgot.

You do remember while you're asleep in the middle of the night that you can do everything. You can do anything. You can do anything.. except for the thing you want the most.

What does it mean to regret when you have no choice?
It's what you can bear.
And there it is... It was death.
I chose life.
And I will never be forgiven.

"No matter what we start with, it ends up being so much less."

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Lesbians and hamsters. [
August 20th 2005 @ 5:23pm
]
[ mood | loved ]

I'm back home.

And two awesome people picked me up from the port. Geoff and Leah. Then instead of chillin in my place, I ended up showering and cuddling up with Leah. She liked all the stuff I got for her which was a great plus. And my champagne angel did her own shopping. She got these awesome bowls that had imprints of sakuras. And it was very pretty. And she also got me this neon chess set. Which was very hip and was rubber so the pieces wouldn't break when they fall. And we both knew being the klutz we are, that it would if it wasn't anything but rubber. Eheh.

I had a sick--in a bad way-- trip. I was delayed from Dubai to NY for like 2 hours. Then it seemed like I wasn't going to make my JetBlue 515 flight. But I did after some hustling and bustling. Except my bags were too late to get in the plane so I had to come around 12 am to the port so I can pick em up. But if I waited for the next flight, I was going to be on standby. And my mom and my baby was flippin' out while I was in the air. And so my mom and Leah were calling each other planning who should they call about my then messed up flight. Eheh. My mom called Leah around 7 am and Leah thought it was me answering "hello, beautiful".. and now I will forever harass Leah about flirting with my mom. ::grin::

And Leah's so promisingly promising. I adore her. And I made her a little project and she loved it. She appreciates everything I do. But she appreciates the smallest things the most. She'd hold on to me and refuses to let me go when we're cuddling and I love it. And life in bed with her is just mind blowing. And I refuse to believe that its the skills. It's more like me actually letting go and letting her see me naked-- metaphorically speaking. And I can't stop kissing her (damn her bohemian loving charm).

Then we went clubbing. And everyone was there! And I got so many welcome-back hugs. I felt like such a loved celebrity. I had highlights like them in high school all the time.. but it was stupid fake high school stuff. This time it felt like it was .. I think.. genuine.

At Marcy's I also noticed that Leah and I have this intresting socializing thing. Some kid was asking about her wondering if she's single and what not. And I said no and the kid was totally flirting with her and she might have flirted back but she kept kissing and holding me; showing me she was mine and vice versa. And I would run around talking to people. And she would too. But she'd run back to me kissing me and talking to me then run off. And we'd still go home talking and kissing. And sleep next to each other. And I was so tired last night that I fell asleep on her lap while driving home. And then I woke up parked on her drive way. Apparently we had been parked there for a while and she was just watching me sleep.

2 months and the adoring hasn't stopped. And it usually stops by the third week for me and it becomes this compromise companionship from the honeymoon period. I love how we can hold each other and chase our dreams like hell. Still, we'd still stand by each other and catch each other if we'd slip or trip. And it's already happening actually. But I still feel safe.

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Piss me off. [
August 16th 2005 @ 3:51am
]
[ mood | annoyed ]

My best friend needs to remember not everyone can read his mind. Not everyone is going to approach a random stranger and expect to be liked. When I first met him, he was all giggly and silly. He had wit. Now he's just being stupid and ignorant. I know his grandmother passing away changed him dramatically. But he's stronger than that. And yeah, I do expect him to over come that. But he assumes so much of people. He assumes people don't like him just cause they won't say hi. Or they won't conversate. And of course not. Not when everything that comes out of him is.. "oh no one ever likes me.. " or .. "yeah well.. they never tried to talk to me.. ".

And I'm sick of it.

Another on my topic is the whole oral fixation. I've said it a dozen times. I'm not  smoking cause of the nicotine kick. It's something about having a cigarette between my lips and fingers. And recently, I've started chewing on toothpicks. And it's been working. Amazing enough. So I figured I have an oral fixation problem. And that's why I bit pens. My cuticles, plastic things, my shirts, etc. Something that I can use my tongue, lips, teeth, and fingers. ::pauses:: God that sounds dirty.

No wonder I'm gay.

Eh. Third. I'm glad I have three more days here. Recently I saw Steven and Samantha Seller at my fave Japanese Restaurant. And I refused to walk out of the restaurant because I didn't want them to see me. And it was ridiculous. But that's me. I just hate to socialize. And I see more and more people everyday. I even heard Ashely was in town. And.. I just miss Leah.

I'm having an annoying time.

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Quizzzzzes. [
August 1st 2005 @ 3:22pm
]
You scored as Prep/Jock/Cheerleader.

</td>

Prep/Jock/Cheerleader

94%

Punk/Rebel

75%

Drama nerd

50%

Goth

44%

Ghetto gangsta

44%

Loner

31%

Stoner

31%

Geek

19%

What's Your High School Stereotype?
created with QuizFarm.com





You scored as Sex God. You are a master at sex. You make your partner weak in the knees, and you know it. You've had the practice, and you've read the books, but don't get too cocky (pun intended) or you'll get put into place.

</td>

Sex God

85%

A Slave To BDSM

75%

A Romantic

60%

Virgin

25%

How are you in bed
created with QuizFarm.com





You scored as Cocaine. Be careful, this drug is very addicting, and you can build a tolerance quickly.

</td>

Cocaine

81%

Mushrooms

75%

Marijuana

69%

Ecstacy

69%

Inhalents

56%

None!

44%

Alcohol

44%

What's your ideal drug?
created with QuizFarm.com



Comment Memories Edit

Oh, great. [
July 16th 2005 @ 10:14am
]
[ mood | mischievous ]

So on thursday, Nicole, Akemee and Melissa's friend who came to go clubbin with us, got kicked out for passin a marker to some random stranger. Great.

To top it off.. Michael now works in Marcellas because apperantly its one of the easiest ways for him to see me since I won't return phone calls or talk to him. So my stalker took a fulltime job as a bouncer so her can be a professional stalker for me. Oh great.

On friday, Shan and I chilled with Lori and Tara and played this card game like Rummy.. which was pretty damn fun. This guy Shawn from the upstairs apartment, living with his 300+ family members, comes downstairs and is chillin with us. He was all teasy with me and we just at each other a lot. THen 15 mins before we take off to Akemee's, Leah calls. She says she's out of work and I ask her to meet me at Lori's. Surprise surprise: Leah knows Shawn and vice versa. Cause apparently Shawn and Leah grew up with each other: first kiss, first bf, everything. And the weird part is that her first boy is hittin on her new gf. Greeeeeat.

At Akemee's we played spades. Then some jokin and laughin. Nicole, Melissa and I went off to play football then soccer. Then we went ahead and bought beer and played Truth or Dare which was pretty extreme. In the Truth side, we find out Angela (17) likes Shan or me. Out of all the people apparently I've the nicest personality. Akemee would screw Nicole. Date Angela. And Nicole would like to go out with me AND/OR have sex with me. Great.

So Leah was pissed and irritated the whole time at Nicole. It wasn't helping that Nicole was bein a jackass anyway. And kept flirtin with me in front of Leah. And she even pinches Leah and she has this peeve about pinches. So great.

Speakin of Leah.. I had a dare to go walk naked and I had a soccer ball. Nicole was stalked into nakedness. And Angela was talked into doing a naked catwalk. On Leah's turn to streak.. uhh... three cars pass by and at 4:30 am in the morning, a neighbor walks out to go to the store. LoL: that's what I mean by GrEaT. :p

Comment Memories Edit

It goes one by one, even two by two. [
July 12th 2005 @ 12:42am
]
[ mood | sleepy ]

I feel like I haven't talked to Felipers in like forever and a day. Most of the time he's chillin with the 21+ kids down at the bar. And it sucks. It's been like two weeks since we really hung out. Minus Josh who I haven't really spoken to for another good load. And it pisses me off when I put stuff off.. I mean I'm suppose to be arranging my flight tickets and hotels for my flight in less than a week and yet I haven't done pif. ::shrug::

Well whatever. And Pipe asked Shan and I to take off to Binghamton for a day to chill wit his sis and parentals because Naty was movin in to start college etc. And at first I wasn't really too keen in doing that cause I feel like I didn't Pipe anymore. But on the last minute I said why not. And it was a good move I guess cause we chilled and Pipe's folks were awesome and his mom was so softspoken. It was fun.

On Saturday, day before that, Leah and I went on a date. Beforehand, however, I was chillin at Akemee and Melissa's.. so Christina and I (Melissa's lil sis) ran around and grabbed flowers because I wanted to buy Leah some flowers. And yeah Leah and I are definetely going out but we're usually chillin with a whole bunch of people it's difficult to just chill and talk. So we figured we should go on dates and talk. And it was all good. We went to Spot then an Arabic restaurant and watched some Belly Dancers. Then off to a friend's house. And there was good sexual kicks. Until our first arguement took off. So greaaaat. Won't go to details. We eventually made it up and we actually talked about it. But I hated that feeling that went on between me and her when we were trying to talk about it. ::sigh::

On thursday, when I needed my hoop earings I figured I might as well get my stuff from Penny and get everything over with. I didn't realize she was finally standin' there. She didn't say much xcept 'it's allright' and we just exchanged our stuff. I didn't know she slipped my presents in and didn't figure until I looked for the thing I was looking for. And I don't know.. she oddly didn't say much. Shr probably wanted to kick me or yell at me but just held it back. But she would probably have given me the best present any of my friends did. She gave me a wicked pool stick. The best because it was something I really would have liked like Josh's CD and Leah's alcohol. The genuine thought of it like Pipe's cake. The fundamentals of the three fave presents makes the best one I guess.

I'm mad sleepy. Leah visited me at work today and we were all flirting and teasing each other about our sex fantasy and we couldn't wait to go home. We also went apartment-stuff shoppin in Pier 1. And we were just gettin all hot and what not. We get home and we pass out. :-/. Heh. Oh well. Shawn's asking about Penny. Which is interesting. But I'm sleepy. And I should go yell at Leah. Because apparently last night I was yelling at her in bed.. ::makes a confused face:: So I told her to smack me or wake me up if I do that tonight..

Comment Memories Edit

If it's not obvious enough [
June 28th 2005 @ 5:35pm
]
[ mood | happy ]

Yup yup.

My Lj's in construction.. you won't be blinded for long.

Most of the stuff I want to talk about are usually in my paper journal. But just wanted to share this to everyone: Tomorrow, I'm posing naked for Jacque with Felipe.. and Shan wants to draw my hair and eyes too.. *nod*.. and I told this to Leah while she was at her softball game and she got all... hey let's go.. and I was like.. on wednesday you dummy. ::sticks tongue out::

Leah and I went shopping yesterday. Went to the Boulevard Mall, then we hit up wegman's and.. bought two new games for my XboX, and we cooked dinner. It was so hot and sweaty.. but it had its moments cause the kissing was fucking intense. Fucking instense. Each kiss was loaded with some pretty blissful passion. And sometimes I sit and seriously think how did I ever fall in love a couple of years ago. And I can never remember. But when I'm kissing Leah, I get all lit up and just know that that's one of it.

She fell asleep on the couch again.. so I said fuck it and joined her. She got up at like 7 and I love it when she calls in the middle of the day or txt me to say she's thinking about me. Or when she's scared she's always hanging out with me but can't help it.

It's nice to feel the love back.

Oh and we're heading to NYC for the fun of it. And I promised to take her to a rollercoaster in Darien Lake and she's free to break my hand. Cause this kid is mad scared of rollercoasters. This 22 yr old kid is flippn out over rollercoasters. But she's a lot of fun. There's not a lot she hasn't really done. And she told me how in high school she said she's never smoke, drink, smoke pot.. and here she is, having done them all. And it's not like she's a horrible hedonistic junkie.. I mean she has three jobs and is graduating this september and already have jobs set up. She drives like a maniac. She has the cutest smile. And she has no frickn ticklish spot.

::sigh:: I'm just ranting. She's seeing a friend of hers that she hasn seen forever from 6 to 8. Then after that we're going to go get coffee cause she's just as much of a coffee addict as I am. And I'm grabbing some books and she's got some Math calculations and it'd be fun. ::nods some more::

 

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But I don't want to turn 19.. [
June 24th 2005 @ 5:27pm
]
[ mood | bouncy ]

So I'm 19. And it sucks. Well it doesn't suck suck, but 18 was a great year.. I think. When I turned 18 I had a shitty bday, cause I was sick to my stomach thinkn about who the fuck Katie was screwin behind my back and I was way too weak to smile. Then after few suicidal attempts and rehab and pills, I picked myself up and sent a big fuck you to Katie. Washed my face. Took a cold shower and listened to music. Worked out everyday. Dated. Things were boring until I met Tammy then it went bland and blank. Then.. Michelle. Or was it Morgan? But yeah.. these are just the girls that I actually liked. Then I met Penny who was by far the ... most worthwhile? not-shallow? ... definetely felt good wakin up around her. Then I got dumped. ::makes a sad face:: So I had to move on again. Tried Rob, Mike in a bit, and cute girls.

Then I kissed Leah on her birthday.
And she became my girlfriend on my birthday.
::shy smile::

I got closer to my friends. I learned more about myself. Hated myself less. Took chances. Learned to actually know what happens when I don't look at concequences. Learned things aren't high school anymore. And not everyone loves me or looks up to me. And there are actually people who can hate or get annoyed at people who didn't do shit to em. But I also learned how to seriously bounce back. Not to hurt. To shrug people who gets pissed off at you because they think you're up to no good. And I can't afford the time to stop and say sorry and try to make it up to them. They need to see it themselves that there was just a misunderstanding and I'd never try to fuck someone up unless you fuck me up first or it's business. And I'm sorry I might have forgotten to invite you to my party, or maybe I haven't called when I said I would.. or whatever. But I learned not to jump to conclusions and shit happens.

Someone said I talked everything to death. And .. too bad. I deal with misunderstanding everyday. It's caused friendship cause they think someone's pissed at them because you didn't invite them to your birthday party.. when in reality you seriously just forgot. Or when you don't take the chance to go after someone because you think they don't like you. Cause you two never said anything. And there goes.. possibly.. the love of your life. Or when kids and parents eventually hate each other or never say what they want to.

Because in the long run, if you feel it. It's there. You either hurt them now and be honest. Or you hurt them later cause you lied.

::hums:: I love driving around with Leah. She gets lost all the time and she looks at me and says she doesn't care, she likes going off street adventures with me. And at the club I can not name a single person who hated her or thought she was OK. Everyone adored her. Including: John and Bob.

OooOh my bday was fun.. Leah got me alcohol. The best ones. An AE leather bracelet. And a stitch on skateboard!!!! Geoff and his Fight CLub. Josh and awesome 80s Eurythmics Greatest Hits. Pipe and cake. Gina and Rosie (Leah's ex) got me stitch stuff :). And more alcohol. And my mom got me a surprise cake ... cheese cake - 4 flavors. Kenny set his table on fire for me. And Leah, Kenny, and I danced on the table.

I also curled my hair. And Leah hasn't complemented me once until last night when she said I looked real sexy. ::turns red:: The apartment's a mess. But hey it was fun. And I dressed up real girly. So booya.

Dammit. Gotta bounce cause I must.

But Leah and I are gonna go walk around the river near her apartment and just watch the sun go down and make fun of people I think.. I'm kidding. But probably sit and just talk.

Oh and Matt made me LGBTA's Director of Social Director. OMFG. ::smirk::

Oh and violin lessons start wednesdays.

Oh.. I'm 19.

Comment Memories Edit

"I smell like you." [
June 22nd 2005 @ 3:32pm
]
[ mood | flirty ]

For some reason I like hearing that. Whenever I'd be makin out with someone or anything else, they'd smile at me and go like: "I smell like you." And nod. Every single fuckn time. I always ask if it's a bad smell and they shake their heads and say hell no. ::giddiness::

So what was the last entry.. ::flips back:: ::skims:: Ah yeah. So no more Jamie. It's all about Leah and some other chicks I've met a couple of days ago. ::shh:: But mostly about Leah. Saturday I took her to watch Batman Begins which is a great movie minus the time run. And we sat outside chillin with Geoff, Shan, and Jen. Shan said we looked so cute together. Josh adores her. Felipe thinks she's mad awesome. Everybody loves her even Geoff and I'm like... happy as hell. We also went hot tubbing the other day and this guy Dave has a crush on her.. but Dave was lookin at me all trying to get with me. Then I think he figured out I was more gay than straight so he just kept hangin around me and Leah waiting for us to make out.

::childish toothy grin:: Monday and Tuesday I flew to Maryland. Hung out with my step dad and my nieces n nephews who heart me ::sniffle:: made me remember why I didn't want to have kids. ::nod:: But they were still amazing. Madison, the oldest, hangs around me like I'm the coolest thing on earth-- she's 8. Of course I'm not, but it's nice to be looked up to by really good kids. Matthew has a crush on me, who's only 4. So he listens to me whenever I tell him to stop being such a jerk to his sisters. Then there's Hannah who thinks my arms are the best ride in town. She's squirt water from her mouth-- from God knows where-- and shriek and say.. "Dooo eet eggaaaayn" or.. "Waaan moe taymm".

I got a new digicam, some moneys, stuff from Vicky's and flew back home. Josh picked me up. And he was raving all about Leah. I as pretty happy. Then Leah came over after her meeting and just chilled and we just made out and had beer and cigs. Two freakin days I felt bad. The Felipe and Nathan showed up. Then Shan and Jen. And it was real sweet. Leah commented on how there's always people in my place. And I was like.. hell yeah. ::smirk::

We went back to her place to watch some L word. And apparently I'm Shane. The grungy angsty dark haired rocker kid who had gotten the most ass in the whole lesbian community. Shane. ::thinks:: Yeah I don't  think so. Yet everyone seems to laugh and agree when Leah'd talk about that. ::evil stare::

And while at her place I tried to make her do school work. Cause I want her to get an A in Calculus. But it sucks cause she said I'm too distracting. I never thought being a ball of fun was a crime but I know the last person I seriously dated hated me for it. So I don't want that to happen so.. I really wanted her to study. ::pauses:: But we ended up having sex anyway.

And it was good.

No.. not good.

Amazing.

So amazing that I let her touch me the first time. And at first I was like, Angela, you fuckard, that goes against everything you stand for on first sex rules. But eh it happened. And in the morning she went to class. At 8. I woke up at 9. Had my breakfast: cigarettes, music and beer. And I sat out her roof smoking, drinking, with headfones and sunglasses on. I talked to Gwen. I talked to Katie. She said she missed me. And was wondering if I was seeing anyone. And she said the nicest thing.. which was.. she has always respected me because I've never cheated on her. Even though I had 530 days to do so.

::nod:: I said that was nice and said I had to go cause Leah came home and after two cans I was drunk and we had sex on the floor again and ran to her room. And she had work and I had lunch engagements so after a few rejuvenating feelings.. quote unquote.. she said something like.. I can't lie here and have orgasms the whole day. And I just smiled and said.. well it's not like you're stopping me.

::sigh:: and now I must do some paperwork and Christina's asking about me and Leah and I don't know what to say.

Comment Memories Edit

I love girls. I hate girls. I love girls. I hate girls. [
June 18th 2005 @ 1:40pm
]
[ mood | giddy ]

You just can't fuckin win with em.

You can't. You can't ::shrieks:: You can't.

Anyway, NYC was fun, I hung out with myAlfie and his cousin. She was nice enough to make me walk blocks for the coolest store in the world: Yellow Rat Bastard. Fuck me. It was the awesomest awesome shop in the awesomest part of the world. ::grin:: Then I flew in and they Pipe and Shan liked my hair. I was supposed to hang out with Jamie afterwards for coffee but she went home and went to bed but I was on the plane when she tried to call. Blow off #1.

Then Howie Day concert came rolling by. I expected to see her cause Bob went. I ended up chillin with Gina, Rosie, Leah, and Christina.. who we just bumped into. Pipe and Shan showed up earlier and I got a couple of signed CDs and showed my WRUB ID and got some stuff free and some signatures. ::bounce:: We then went to my place to watch [Taking Lives] which was pretty intensed and I cuddled up to .. fuckit, imma say her name, Leah. ::gasps:: Relax, it's not a courtroom drama. But anyway there was a part where an arm bursts through the bed and grabs Jolie and I freaked out and cuddled tighter. I felt like such a baby. But we cuddled closer throughout the movie though ::grin:: Bob and Pipe were on the couch cuddling and Bob asked if me and Anna were.. whatever.. and the response never made it cause it was ignored. Bleh. But Jamie and I were supposed to go to [Pano's] for dinner. But she was going out for coffee afterwards with friends. Meaning it was like a timed dinner. So I told her we'll go there some other time. And then she calls to say I'm invited for coffee.. and you know what? I don't need a pity invite. So I said just call me later and we'll watch a movie at your place and make out. Well, she didn't. She got home, intending to lay in bed for three minutes and passed out before she could call me. Lie or not lie, it's Blow off #2.

Friday. Promised to go shopping with Leah. But have lunch first. So Gina, Rosie, a new kid Jen, Shan, Pipe, me, and Leah hit up [Amy's Place]. But I was on the phone with an.. old mate? I don't know how to really label them. And they said something about the lines that what I'm doing with these four people's.. pretty unfair. It does look sleazy and bad I guess but no one's getting attached or hurt.. so I personally thought it was fine. Robbie's just my art buddy. Michael's dead I think. Jamie's a dick ever since I didn't let her touch me. And Leah's just so fucking cute.

So what does Angela do? Angela invites Leah and Jamie to have lunch with her. And yeah, Leah on my left. Jamie on my right. And ::shrug:: it was alllllll good. I didn't stop flirting with either one. And after shopping, we went to buy a case of beer and drank in my place, minus Rosie, Pipe, John and Jamie. Jamie came by, we were cuddling. Leah didn't have a problem. ::shrug again:: But here's Blow off #3.. After wrestling with Gina.. and trust me, me and that girl put on a show.. and she ended up with a concussion. Ok, I felt really bad. So we calmed down but I was still hyper and me and Jamie were just kidding around and all of a sudden I feel her fingers trying to get in my crotch. And I push it away a number of times. She finally got the hint. But in the middle of the movie.. I wanted a kiss.. just a kiss.. and she said later. I asked a couple of times. Still later. So that was Blow Off #3.

When she was leaving .. she said it's time for a kiss. And I just said no. I'm done with Jamie. Mind games are fucking annoying as hell. She knows how I feel.. and that I like her. There's no other way to take it. So don't fuck with my head. But I was so pissed I couldn't wait to go clubbing.

And surprise surprise: my lil Irish Queen was such a fuckin Tomboy. Tammy Greynolds was standing there with a wifepleaser, flannels, sandals, baggy jeans, short hair and a hat. She looked so fucking cute. Never.. NEVER in a million years time would I have expected that girly girl to be all dykey. I might even have to make an exception about re-dating past girls. ::smirk:: And she brought a friend, Jen (a different one) who ended up making out with Christina. Who is.. btw.. my hero.. because she found my glasses! So I kissed her. And after ignoring Tammy on dancing we both danced with each other. I was pissed as hell. And I'm different when I'm pissed. So I was even more hyper and slutty and I was getting under Gina's shirt, throwing ice down people's boobs, I kept getting carried and having ice thrown down my pants, givn Jacki lapdances, and made out with Leah. ::smirk:: The best part of the night however, was having Leah to my front and Tammy behind me and just dancing and grinding. And it was fucking amazing. I think I'm built for a threesome relationship. ::gasps:: This means.. I might not be a monogomist...

Cut shit short: I went home with John who was at the club. I told John me and Jamie are done. He didn't hate me for it. We ended up going to dinner at 4am and just talking and laughing. He drove me home and it was awesomeness. But in the middle of it Leah txtd me saying she wishes she was cuddling with me, and I burst-ed. She then called me and asked if I was still at Marcy's and if I wanted to be picked up and go home with her or at my place and cuddle. And mind you, her gas tank is empty so I didn't want her to risk it so I said go home. ::sigh:: This is what I want. Someone who's crazy for me, who needs me, who's go do the ends of the ends just  to be with me. I want that cause that's what I'm willing to give.

::beams:: Stitch's happy. Stitch's got a Lilo again. Well.. there was more than one Lilo right? It can be a redhead and a brunette, right? ::beams::

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